Are you wondering how to breathe life back into your committed relationship? Are there important things in your relationship that you find difficult to talk about? Are you or your partner in conflict about whether to stay together or to come apart? Do you feel consumed or pre-occupied by hurts or disappointments within your relationship?
You most likely will find that the most destructive force in your relationship has to do with how the two of you disagree. That is to say, it’s not how you deal with the good stuff – hopefully you have lots of it that feels rich and rewarding – it’ all about how the two of you work through the tough stuff, or not.
Most couples start to fall apart around disagreements, fights end up polarized, in a right and wrong, or win-lose power struggle. Let’s face it — as soon as this happens the relationship loses. If your disagreements end up in power struggles it’s a short distance to something much more hurtful and destructive.
Therapy as a time proven way to feeling more alive in the couple
Therapy is a proven and effective way to help couples untangle from deadening, hurtful and destructive patterns. In my work with couples I help them to understand that none of us can do it alone.
I offer each partner the perspective that the whole is greater then the sum of its parts. I view the relationship as a mandala or Yin Yang. From this point of view I rarely, if ever, fall on either partner’s “side”. Instead, my [main] goal is to strengthen the relationship so people can be closer.
The work I do with couples through online therapy tends to be successful because the couple feels safe enough for each partner to open up more to divergent points of view. This happens first in the context of the therapy and later in their relational life outside the consultation room. As you expand your perspectives you understand the forces that drive your relationship – many of them outside your immediate awareness.
I am not sure if I want to stay in this relationship
I never pretend to know if a couple should stay together or not. I believe in helping couples do everything possible to maintain the bonds that brought them together and into my office in the first place.
With that said, many times I emphasize to couples that its not whether you stay together or come apart, but it’s how you stay together or how you come apart. All efforts are made to maximize the positives and minimize the negatives in the process of learning how to untangle relationship knots and feel closer.
Therapy has proven to be one of the most highly accepted and efficient methods for examining how to get more out of your relationship. Even casual observation reveals that relationships are actually highly complex systems. None of us would knowingly board an airplane that had not been properly tended to for even a short flight. Yet our main vehicles for seeking a good life – that is, our primary relationship – are neglected, often taken for granted, ignored, and or allowed to atrophy.
I agree in part with my clients when they complain about the cost, time and effort that they must put into coming to therapy. I remind them that anything in life that is truly valuable and worthwhile, takes hard work. I offer them the perspective that we all have a deep-seated craving for love. Yet, in our culture, almost everything else is considered to be more important than love; success, power, prestige. We spare no expense in pursuing these goals and almost none in understanding better how to get the love we want and deserve.
I remind these people that love profits the soul.
In the couples work that I conduct the therapy becomes a special and focused arena where each partner can examine, first how to break down the components of love; care and concern, respect, responsibility, and knowledge of our selves and our partner. Ultimately you and your partner learn how to create more and more of the good stuff in your lives together. Through online therapy, the couple will be able to work from the comfort of their own home.